In the small town of Pacific Grove, the attachment community of
Parents’ Place nurtures parents on their journey of selfhood and parenthood
I had been a new teacher at Parents’ Place, part of Pacific Grove Adult Education, for only a few weeks when a mother walked into our office; she had dark hair and matching circles under her eyes. Her head was held high and her face composed. She told our office manager, Karen that she was looking for a parents’ group. As she spoke, she would glance back and forth between Karen and her three week old baby sleeping in the carrier beside her, ever vigilant to every gurgle and coo. I expected that Karen would give her registration information, maybe tell her about our programs; instead she asked the woman how she was doing since the birth. Karen’s eyes were kind, her voice compassionate and sincere. You wouldn’t have known that Karen had hours of work ahead of her. You would have thought that she had nothing else to do but attend to this new mother. As the woman began to speak, her voice cracked, then tears streamed down her face. She spoke in a torrent of confusion, exhaustion, and loneliness. Her family was telling her to let the baby cry herself to sleep, but she wanted to hold her baby and felt “sick” when she didn’t respond. Her husband was frustrated that the house wasn’t clean, but she was so tired all the time. Karen listened without interruption, nodding, and then touched her hand. The mother’s hands went to her face and she cried, just sobbing into the hands covering her face. Karen told the woman to wait. She went into the office and returned with one of the experienced parent educators, who, with loving words, escorted the woman with arms around her to a quiet place to talk. I could hear them as they walked, the teacher telling her that we here for her and validating her feelings and experiences. And while others nearby expressed their empathy and concern, I glanced at the Parents’ Place pin hooked to my bag revealing the silhouette of a parent holding a child and a larger figure with arms around both of them with the words above: “Love Spoken Here”. I smiled and was happy for her.
I was introduced to Parents’ Place as a mother of a three month old son when I decided to finally heed the advice at what seemed like the entire town of Pacific Grove – “You have to go to Parents’ Place.” OK, OK, I’ll go. Expecting and appreciating that a standard parents’ program could offer me some needed social time with other mothers, as well as some baby play time, I headed off to register. As I drove through the gates for the first time, I noticed that the brick colored buildings integrated seamlessly into the wooded setting, except for the vividly painted doors identifying the Earth, Forest, and Sun, Moon, and Butterfly rooms. Deer were grazing in the meadow across from the classrooms under a canopy of cypress and eucalyptus trees. Next to the meadow, the hand painted sign of the Children’s Garden hung crookedly on the wooden fence, sunflowers shooting up from behind. Tranquil and charming.
Located in Pacific Grove, California on the Monterey Bay, Parents’ Place started with two classes over 20 years ago. Gail Root, along with fellow educator, Jan Van Ostren, taught the first “baby” classes. Presently, the parent education program now serves over 50 families with children from birth to 3 years. Gail Root continues to serve as the coordinator of Parents’ Place and has received honors, including Outstanding Woman of the Year in 2002 from the Commission on the Status of Women of Monterey County and in 2005 the Monterey County Child Abuse Prevention Council Front Line award. In 2004 Parents’ Place received the Community Impact Award from the Healthy Mothers, Healthy Babies commission “in recognition of promoting, protecting and supporting breastfeeding.” Parents’ Place also won the Golden Bell Award for Early Childhood Education in California in 2006.
With my first visit to the office and later in the classroom, I am doted on. Beaming smiles greet me everywhere, followed by interested conversation. “How are you feeling?” “How are you taking care of yourself?” They praise my attentiveness to my baby and comment on my baby’s attachment to me as he smiles at me and studies my face. The teachers and staff offer to hold my baby to give my arms a rest. I’m given a glass of water as I nurse my son. In the classroom, I sit in cozy rocking chairs with classical music softly playing in the background. Protein bars are available as a snack. I assume that I am not the only new parent often neglecting to eat. Best of all, I receive lots of affirmation – not general, but detailed observations of what I’m doing well. And I need it. With so much well- meaning, often confusing advice from everyone, including the cashier at the grocery store, I had been feeling incompetent and overwhelmed. But here at Parents’ Place, I am informed that just by the simple and pure nature of motherhood, I am endowed with brilliant instincts and insights into my child – also known as a mother’s instinct, mother’s intuition, and mother’s love. “Follow your heart. It is true.” So I hold my baby as much as possible, sleep with him, wear him, and adore him. I love Parents’ Place. I feel so good here. And relieved.
Parents’ Place practices a weaving approach to integrate all facets of the program to build upon and support each other. Teachers consistently practice the principles of attachment with parents and their children - modeling positive reinforcement, shared attention, empathic listening, non-judgmental responses, and an understanding of the extensive and complicated issues parents face following the birth of their children. Teachers model love and nurturing toward parents and demonstrate best practices and attachment approaches with the children in the classroom. Parents are able to integrate attachment principles because the shift has occurred emotionally as well as intellectually. A type of Re-parenting occurs for many students. As a result, parents are more empathetic to the developmental stages and struggles of their children.
In the classroom, weekly Core classes provide a curriculum based on child’s development. We discuss a parenting topic each week, including Attachment and Bonding, Identifying and Responding to your Child’s Needs, Developmental Stages, and Building Self-Esteem in your Child. Not all topics are related to the child. Self-care, marital intimacy, and time and stress management, among many others are discussed. The curriculum is extensive and addresses topics by developmental level. Initially, many of the students in my class were hesitant about such topics as co-sleeping, extended nursing, baby wearing, and responding on demand to their babies. They had been raised to let babies cry it out or instructed not to hold a baby too much to prevent them from becoming spoiled. But these parents felt good at Parents’ Place too. They came frequently because they felt cared for and nurtured, without conditions.
Even when discussing attachment-based research with parents, teachers emphasize that “every family is different and that we must choose how and what works best for our family.” By
Honoring the differences among families, as well as individual interpretations and applications of attachment parenting, the parent is honored. This approach does not alienate parents with
Different thoughts on parenting and encourages continued attendance in the program. With continued participation, the parents are continually experiencing a caring “attachment community,” and its education. They integrate into the Attachment Community of Parents’ Place. They feel more confident and trust themselves more. Gradually, previously established parenting concepts become less rigid and evolve to become more nurturing, and they begin integrating the attachment principles into their parenting.
It seemed that at every class, our teacher would tell us what we desperately wanted to hear - giving us permission to take care of ourselves, to sleep when our babies sleep, to lower our expectations about housework, and to honor the innate need to comfort our child. We were reminded that we are mother warriors – through pregnancy, labor, child birth, hormones, breastfeeding, marital adjustments and fatigue. We knew we felt this way inside, but we needed someone to say it aloud, to give it the weight that it deserved, and ultimately to convince us that real empowerment includes redefining our priorities and nurturing and parenting ourselves so that we can truly embrace both selfhood and parenthood.
Mottos abound in the classrooms reminding parents of their child’s developmental stage and emotional needs: “If you baby a baby while he is a baby, you won’t have to baby him for the rest of his life.” “The Toddler Creed – starting with What’s Mine Is Mine, What’s Yours Is Mine … clearly expresses that young children and sharing don’t mix well. In Art class - “It’s The Process Not the Product, “promoting a child’s freedom of expression and creativity.
Local professionals visit the classrooms each session, sharing their expertise on such topics as: Pediatric Dentistry, the Effects of TV/Media on Children, Nutrition, Pelvic Floor Rehabilitation, and Positive Discipline.
Highly acclaimed authors in parenting field have spoken at Parents’ Place. Suzanne Arms, Joseph Chilton Pierce, Daniel Siegel, Janis Keyser, Phyllis and Marshall Klaus, Bill Sears, Bob Sears, Rick Hanson, and Peggy O’Mara are among the highlighted speakers. Super Saturdays give parents with expertise in child-related fields a chance to share their knowledge and insights. One mother, a former FBI agent, presented “Protecting the Gift” about strangers and child safety. A child life specialist shared tips on “Preparing Your Little Patient.” Additional workshops by parent educators include building loving family relationships, positive discipline, infant massage, signing with your baby, dads in action, managing multiples and mother-baby yoga.
Developmentally appropriate activities in the classrooms provide a stimulating play environment for children. Classes discuss the effects of play and peer socialization on brain development in children. The resources available promote art, pretend play and problem-solving with manipulatives. Circle time includes songs, story time, parachute play, monkey puppets, and musical instruments. In addition to the core-age related classes, other classes are available: prenatal yoga, Wee Chant, music for parents and babies with local musician and songwriter Mary Lee Sunseri. Young at Art, the Wonder of Science, Fun with Food, Tots in Motion, Our Growing Garden and Story time.
Core classes remain together from birth to 3 years of age, promoting friendships among parents and children close in age. Although my children are now in elementary school, we have maintained most of our friendships with the families in our classes. Social interactions deepen
With the shared experiences of field trips, evening potlucks, playdates, and babysitting cooperatives either planned or supported by Parents’ Place. Difficult issues among parents are not avoided, but addressed directly without judgment, such as “mommy cliques,” child comparison, and judgmental or exclusive behavior. Limited self-disclosure from teachers acknowledges the shared insecurities of all parents and how we can resolve them.
Supporting Families through difficulty strengthen the attachment community. A postpartum support group meets monthly. The “Warm-Line” provides individual therapeutic support with one of the teachers who is a licensed Social Worker. She provides phone and individual counseling at no charge to families. Hot meals to families in need or under stress remind them that they are part of a bigger family that cares deeply for them. One Parents’ Place father lost his wife; they had a two month old daughter. He was deeply grieving and trying to work out the details of his new life. Along with offering all resources at hand, Gail asked parents to bring him dinner nightly for a month. In all the chaos, it was a small gesture to help take care of him. Parents’ Place has helped this way many times, including for me when my 19-month old son was diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes. “Just one less thing for you to worry about right now,” I was told. It meant so much.
Financially challenged families receive tuition scholarships, donations of clothes, toys, safety proofing items, and more.
The Parents’ Place monthly newsletter includes program information, parenting articles and an advice column. Both parenting and community resource information is available in the Parents’ Resource Center. The Parents’ Place Library is full with current books and journals on parenting issues, as well as children’s books. Car seat checks are available on-site quarterly. There is a Yahoo group that keeps the Parents’ Place community connected electronically.
Special Events occur throughout the year: Mother’s Day and Fall Festival Concerts, an annual fall picnic at a local park, Born to Boogie Dance party, Tot Walks in the Redwoods and Holiday photos are just a few activities on the busy calendar. Collaboration with local groups such as the Monterey County Birth Network and the Baby! International Birth Film Festival are well received by the community.
Ord Military Community, formerly Ft. Ord, is located in Seaside, about 20 minutes from Pacific Grove. Several years ago, the Army Community Services Coordinator asked for help establishing a parent support group for the military families in the community (the Naval Postgraduate School and the Defense Language Institute) are located on the Monterey Peninsula. So, once again, Parents’ Place began a program, establishing classes that built a foundation for growing a satellite program that reaches more families.
Friends of Parents’ Place in a non-profit organization established by teachers, staff, and parents to provide financial support for the programs at Parents’ Place. The Parents’ Place Cookbook (a collection of recipes from staff and parents) , as well as the Silent Auction and Gift Basket Raffle at the Fall Festival help raise needed funds to keep student tuition and fees lower than most parenting programs. The funds are also necessary to support staff training, essential to provide our community with the best parenting information available. Recently many of the staff attended the APPPAH Congress (Association of Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology and Health) in Monterey. The Conference, titled The Miracle of Birth: Uniting Ancient Wisdom and Modern Science, was truly inspiring, informative and reinvigorated our commitment to our families.
Several weeks after I saw the lady in the office with her newborn, I saw her again sitting with a group of parents in our outdoor play area. The baby carrier was absent. Her daughter was now snuggled close against her mother in a baby wrap, where she could listen to her mother’s heartbeat. The mother was smiling and laughing and kissing the top of her baby’s head. I saw her a month later as she was speaking with a nervous new mother. I couldn’t hear their discussion, but I saw her place her hand on the woman’s shoulder. I could tell that she was comforting her. I smiled and was happy for her.
The intricacies of the reciprocal relationships at Parents’ Place cannot be known completely. They include kindnesses that are subtle, overt, and sometimes unknown. Generosity of spirit and giving others the benefit of the doubt are commonplace. Goodwill breeds goodwill. Sometimes I just look around at our attachment community, awed by the power of nurturing one another, how it brings out the best in all of us, improves our lives and relationships, and transforms the path of our parenting and our children’s parenting someday. And so on.
Nestled in the trees, there is a place where the parent is held close, nurtured, and parented anew. Where sisterhood nurtures selfhood and a parent is born.
Welcome to Parents” Place – Love Spoken Here
GAIL ROOT
Gail Root is a true sage and pioneer, and one of the only truly self-actualizing people I have ever met. She has been the ultimate role model for all of us, demonstrating what love in action looks like everyday, all day, and in an incalculable number of circumstances. She is wise, vulnerable, strong, a work in progress – highly human and greatly admirable. She shows us the joy and struggles every day to become our best selves, best friends, and best parents. Most of all, she shows us how to live in it – the process of growth and enlightenment and how to put those into practice in the every day. Although busy with the administrative duties, coordinating all aspects of Parents’ Place and overseeing the staff who lovingly teach the classes, Gail’s favorite part of the week is teaching two core classes and spending time with the parents and children.
Gail is a founder and coordinator of Parents’ Place. She is the mother of three grown daughters. She has a BS in Child Development from UC Davis. Gail taught Bradley Childbirth classes for 25 years, was a La Leche Leader for 11 years, and had a small private practice as an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) for two years. She recently completed her Master’s Degree in Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology from the Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. Her thesis was “The Grandmother Effect: the Value of Bonding with Your Grandchild before Birth.”
She is patiently awaiting her time to rock her grandbabies, stomp through mud puddles with a two year old hand curled in hers and have regular Saturday night sleepovers.
Author Lisa Senkel:
Lisa is a parent educator at Parents’ Place in Pacific Grove as well as the instructor for the satellite OMC classes. She lives in Monterey with her husband Jirko and sons Tyler, age 8 and Aiden, age 7.
